I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
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Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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