he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize