Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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