I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize