i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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