You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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