the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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