saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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