Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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