I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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