last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
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when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize