my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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