last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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