$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
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Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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