My hand turned me down
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
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jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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