Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize