Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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