When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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