you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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