my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
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btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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