she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
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We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
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