Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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