you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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