Four minutes until I can fart!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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