and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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