Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
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Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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