So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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