you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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