Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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