I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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