There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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