I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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