What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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