If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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