You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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