I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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