It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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