He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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