Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize