I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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