I think I died a long time ago.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
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Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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