He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What a dumb baby whore.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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