the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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