youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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