Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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