I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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