please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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