I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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