i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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