They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize