i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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